Soooo, it is that time again!  Time to search for the ‘perfect’ gift. That special something that makes another person light up on the inside. Need Inspiration? Try this gift and give authentically from the heart!

More and more, I talk to people that are growing weary of the focus on stuff, the cost and the blur of the holidays. They reflect back feeling spent, overextended and without the connection that they were hoping for.

I know I feel the same way.

While always fun and nice to spend time celebrating the notions of peace, love, and joy, I feel a particular determination this year to keep it simple.  My goals center around family and as I seek to stay connected to my teen, I am reminded of a simple yet effective way that I have shared in the past as a way to meet those goals (see original post here).

When we are with family, lots of stuff can surface.  Childhood dynamics that we thought we had long left behind can rise again. We are spending time with people, some of whom we did not consciously choose to be with in this life and yet we want to connect or they ‘come with the package’. As parents, we see all kinds of behaviors creep up driven by excitement, overindulgence, changed routines and more together time. It can be so easy to get frustrated, triggered and pushed to our limits.  

For many, internal feelings of loneliness and belonging can be strong.

What we so often do is get bogged down in all we don’t like, all that is wrong and all that we wished was different.

What if we looked at things differently and really started to appreciate everyday miracles?  The stuff that happens day in and day out, going largely unnoticed.

You do things all the time that are feats of greatness and so do the people around you. 

This year, whether getting out of bed, making a nutritious meal, reaching out to a friend, seeing your child show kindness to a sibling, being with your teen in conversation, staying in your jammies, cuddling with a pet or traveling long distances to show up for family, notice feats of greatness.

When we talk about greatness, we are often referring to activities or actions that make us stand up and take notice. Waiting for those to come in the form of extraordinary accomplishments or uncommon acts, can leave us feeling impatient, defeated and empty.

Instead, look for the everyday things that we so often take for granted.  Think of how different life would be if the little things that you do for yourself or that others do, did NOT happen.  Let this feed your sense of feeling grateful for all that IS happening.

This year, make gift giving about building relationship, lifting people up and minimizing frustrations. Give yourself tools to prevent getting sucked into family dramas, personal frustration or what is lacking.

With a small investment of you, plants seeds of personal successes, strengths, qualities, and connection all year long.

In its simplest form, the process is one of noticing greatness in others and/or yourself, documenting it, and then (if you are noticing another) sharing it. It is about feeding all the goodness that you and those around you have while taking power away from what is ‘wrong’.

Why water the weeds? 

As an aside, I often appreciate being able to think and find the words I want rather than coming up with them in the moment.  Also, as a time-crunched mom, this provides connection and recognition when I am able to reflect back on the day or have a moment to actually say what I feel or notice.

Other benefits are that it can reach those who are resistant to being recognized verbally or reject it outright. Some people need to hear it repeatedly to digest it fully. Even how we feel on different days can affect our ability or desire to welcome a shift in how we feel about ourselves.

First, let me introduce our family greatness jar.

While this idea started years ago, it has slipped to the back burner.  However, one of the best things I have done this year was to revive our greatness jar. In fast, easy ways, I have been telling my children all the things I see them doing that I am so grateful for and what strength it shows. The truth of who they are. With my son in his teen years, I get less and less face time with him so these can be left for him to find.  This is a stage of life with lots of uncertainty, new experiences and changes. He can do what he wants with them, but I know he sees them and is appreciating their sincerity.

Be as creative as you wish in finding a way to watch the numbers growing. 

A full jar means a full portfolio of Inner Wealth®

Here are the details…..

Step 1 – Write Greatness Notes

The goal is to provide authentic recognition of actions and qualities to children and adults. The only criteria are that the note needs to be personal, specific and true.

1. I created a template that I print off on coloured paper and I fit 6 squares onto one sheet. I then cut that into individual smaller cards. Let your creativity fly and create your own template for Greatness Notes. You can also email me at marny@joywithin.ca for a copy of mine. Have favourite writing tools on hand to add to the enjoyment.
2. Each card starts with “(name), I see your greatness”. There is then space to write what positive action we observed (saw, heard, felt etc.) as well as the quality they possess that led to what they did. My children even write these to each other on occasion which is greatness I sure notice!
3. All Greatness Notes are put in the greatness jar.
4. We initially read them out loud once a week at dinner, however, now I slip them a bit more subtly into the day. I will leave them on beds, chairs where they sit, stick them on mirrors etc.  These are good options for people that prefer to read them privately. I have had people share that they have a weekly greatness party to celebrate. Others read them daily rather than weekly. As time goes on, adapt it to what works best for you.

After a few months of doing this, I heard, “These notes are so special!  What do I do with them?”  We decided to create a private space where we could revisit our greatness.

Greatness Notes + Greatness Boxes = the gift that gives again and again

Step 2 –  Have a Greatness Box

1. You could do this as an activity or a purchase.  Depending on the people involved, you can buy a wooden box at the dollar store to paint, add jewels, sparkles, shells etc.  You could also buy a finished box that appeals to you or the person you are buying it for.
2. Once you have your Greatness Notes from the jar, you can add them to your box.  Some may choose to keep them all. Others may choose to keep ones that really resonated or impacted them. Either way, this becomes a place to hold onto the recognitions either to help remember them in a challenging time or to digest them more deeply.
3. Re-visit your Greatness Box when you wish.  Creating a sacred space for authentic recognitions is like having a space within you that is never affected by external situations. The notes within your box are true and tangible.  They can be used to help grow greatness, reset to more appropriate behaviors or to put a smile on your face.
4. Add your own personal creativity to make this idea work in your family.  Expand it to your relationship with yourself, significant other, friends etc. Greatness Boxes simply amplify the value of the notes by giving them a special place to dwell until they are needed or wanted again.

  Being able to revisit these notes helps instil – “I did do that”.  “I am that”. “It is within in me”.

This holiday season, enjoy noticing, sharing and returning to the greatness within you and your loved ones! Give a gift that is not just to make another feel good. Rather it is about ensuring they know they are good. Also, remember that what you focus on expands so seeing what is going well can overshadow the frustrations and challenging dynamics.

Gratitude is a powerful way to shift our thinking.

This can also be a wonderful classroom activity! I would be thrilled to have this come home filled with a collection of successes my child has seen in themselves and that others have seen in them.

Remember to do this for you too 🙂

I recently saw a quote that was about how carefully we often choose things in the grocery store.  The quote was actually about choosing melons more carefully than choosing words yet as I reflected on it, I could see the truth of the effort invested in choosing our food in general vs. our words in our relationships.

Photo by Tanalee Youngblood on Unsplash

We are at a time of great awareness about where our food comes from and the nutrition we need to fuel our bodies. We read ingredient labels, avoiding all the ones that end in ‘ose’ or other hidden junk while checking for fiber, fat, protein and sugar content.   Infinite articles about what is in our food and experts telling us how to modify our diets inundate the media.

Our society has become so conscious about choosing organic, hormone free, non-GMO, dairy-free, gluten-free and ethically raised foods. Many of us will even travel to specialty stores and pay premium prices for these products. Furthermore, we will educate our children about the best foods to choose for both immediate and long-term health.

We go to great lengths to be proactive in our physical health and ensure a minimum of physical disease. This is a good thing. How often, however, do we take the same care with our words?

How much of our awareness and energy goes into ensuring we provide ourselves and our loved ones with emotional nutrition?

It seems like many people feel that they can say whatever they want.  They can lash out in anger, say hurtful words or share their criticism and judgment of others. Even when these are unconscious reactions, I am not sure the speaker of them truly understands how they may have landed with the other person.  Even more so in this era of social media and online communication, we are detached from the immediate feedback of the person we are speaking to providing even greater opportunities to speak our minds with abandon.

But words matter.

You can’t take them back. As much as we once believed that ‘sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me’ we know better now.

Sticks and stones can break our bones and words can also break our sense of self, our feelings of worth, emotional safety and security etc.  This all contributes to a growing number of people who feel less than, shamed, undervalued, and like they just don’t belong. In turn, it can play a role in feeling unable to cope, stressed, unloved and pessimistic about the future.

Just like what we eat, we need to start to understand that there are long-term effects to what we hear and what we digest emotionally.

While not the only source, our personal beliefs about ourselves and others are influenced by external factors. More specifically, what has been communicated (verbally and energetically) about ourselves and what we have experienced watching others treat each other.

By T.S. Turcotte

Beginning today, start to Observe. Pause. Choose. 

Observe how often you think before you speak. 

Just for comparison sake, pick an everyday activity and see how much you invest in it. If you are really conscious about food selection, notice how much effort you put into your time at the grocery store, meal planning, preparation, and consumption.  Do you spend that much time choosing your words and preparing for your conversations?

Get curious as to why not.

Then, bring some mindfulness to your personal relationships. Notice the language and tone you choose and what is happening in your being at times when you are tempted to share your thoughts and feelings about what someone else is doing or not doing that escalates your emotions. Without judgment or filters, just observe.

This is an opportunity to get clear on your personal triggers, intentions, and patterns. It is important to distinguish between what we want to express for the betterment of our relationships and what we feel compelled to express in an effort to relieve our own feelings.

Pause before you speak.

Take those observations and start to bring in a moment of pause.

In that pause, listen to what is happening in your body. Notice sensations and what feelings are coming up because they will influence what you say. Since how we feel on the inside has a direct effect on how we are on the outside, if you are feeling escalated, it will be harder to do the next step.

Rather than react, see if you can get to a place where you can respond.  Take some deep breaths, go for a walk, see if there is a different perspective, maybe some underlying factor like hunger or personal space needs to be addressed first. Explore all the options that help you to find emotional regulation.

Choose nutritious words.

When you are feeling more emotionally balanced, check in with how nutritious your words can be. We are so used to ‘thank you’, ‘good job’, ‘I’m sorry’ etc. but these become like the bag of chips when the body really needs fuel.  See if you can find deeper and more meaningful ways to express yourself in a positive way.

It often helps to see another perspective, look beyond the issue to the person and focus on what is going well. Then sink into your heart and let it speak.

In your moment of pause, perhaps you got some clarity about what your feelings were really about.  Personal annoyances and issues can sometimes feel like they need to be fixed by someone or something else. Taking time to filter what you need help with can really open us up to finding kind and respectful ways to express that.

No need to overthink every word!! Humans are imperfect and resilient.  We cannot always choose the right words and most people can easily rise above the occasional harsh word. If they need help, use these steps to support and re-connect.

Whether in moments of conflict or everyday interactions, the challenge here is to be more aware, intentional and productive with our words. Instead of dishing them out without thinking and wondering why our relationships are not what we would like, understand the power of words and your choice to use that power wisely. Choose emotional nutrition.

By the way, this all applies to our relationship with self as well.  Using emotionally nutritious self-talk can really help to nurture our inner world.

The best thing?  Unlike our groceries, it is free 🙂 

Marny Elliott is a Parent Coach and Relationship Counsellor. She empowers parents, educators and professionals to use the Nurtured Heart Approach®, an effective, heart centred method to transform behaviour, build relationships and grow the Inner Wealth® of children. In addition, she provides holistic counselling to adults seeking to address defeating patterns and improve their relationships with themselves and others. Please visit www.joywithin.ca, email marny@joy

When is the last time you didn’t feel busy? When was the last time you were catching up with friends and no one commented on how busy they are?

I know that I feel busy a lot of the time. I also know that many people around me feel the same way.  So, this summer, instead of romantic notions around life slowing down and blissfully hanging with family and friends, I have decided to explore what stands in the way of that. Also, what I can actually do.

First, let’s agree that everyone is busy. I know people with partners and children, single parents, double income no children families and retirees that are busy. 

Next, let’s be honest about the pace. Is it something you like or not? 

Some people love to be busy. If you feel that way, don’t be afraid to own it with pride and a smile on your face. Feel free to stop reading this, go out and get things done 🙂 Some say they are tired of hearing how busy people are. I say that the word ‘busy’ does not inherently come with a negative association. If being busy honestly fulfills you – enjoy!

Then there are the people who are busy and don’t want to be.  These are the people who are suffering the negative effects of doing too much. For various reasons, many are feeling overwhelmed and stressed. 

Now, it is important to explore how busy you really need to be.

More honesty required!  How do you feel when you are not doing something?  Do you feel the need to fill time?  If your friends are talking about their busy lives while you recall reading all day, how does that feel? 

With any tinge of inner guilt or self-criticism that comes up, we can start to create more stress than necessary. This happens when we get busy ‘doing’ to feel productive (a.k.a. valued) while avoiding real feelings.  This, in turn, diminishes the power and value of ‘being’ and the cycle continues.  

Use mindfulness practices, take time for self-care or put away distractions like smartphones and TV remotes. These are solutions often proposed to illuminate the unimportant things taking up time. They also support the power of ‘being’.  Sometimes breaking up a routine can reveal new opportunities to do things that fill rather than drain us.  If those are not enough, invest in exploring your feelings of guilt and self-criticism around not being in a constant state of doing.

Then, there are the people who are at stages of life that really are more full than others. For you, here are some, perhaps, new tools to help you manage.   

Raising children, building careers, aging/ill family members and times of transition. These are some of the times when there is a lot to do.  Being busy is unavoidable so the question is this. How do we manage it all so we can keep up without having it take a toll on us physically or emotionally?

1. Shift your thoughts.

When busy is your reality, an inspirational quote or article about prioritizing, taking time for you etc. can feel less than helpful.  I once caught myself swearing at a magazine article about self-care because I felt like if I had time to take care of myself, I would!  Not that I didn’t agree or believe that self-care is critical. it was just that I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.  

When I have a bunch of things that need to get done (even after I prioritize) and people that need to get places/have things done (no matter how hard I try to not overschedule), I use this little trick I once read about.

Instead of ‘I have to’ think “I get to’. 

When we feel like what is on our plate, is a burden, it carries with it, a really heavy energy.  That energy can bring us down more than the actual pace of life.  Therefore, ‘I have to do x,y,z’ feels like a problem to be solved.  

Conversely, when we feel grateful for what is on our plate, it takes on a lighter energy and with that, more grace and flow with the pace of life. ‘I get to do x,y,z,’ switches from the heavy burden to a pleasant fullness.

Next time, you feel overwhelmed, try the ‘I get to’ trick.  For example, I get to run my children to different activities in between working and making dinner rather than I have to. This turns on feelings of gratitude and you start a new list. I have children, children who are pursuing their interests, children who even have interests other than sitting on the couch, children who are active, money that can help pay for those activities and buy groceries etc.  Do you get the hang of it?

2. Take stock of all that you do and ask yourself ‘is this necessary?’

When we get stuck in expectations of how well we are going to do something, tasks can get very time-consuming.  We are often taught to always do our best but for some of us, ‘our best’ comes with an internal drive for personal expectations that are not always possible.

If you have the time and energy, doing something that you can really sit back and be proud of, can be so satisfying.  So, go for it and enjoy the outcome.  If you don’t, then asking ‘is this necessary’ can shift things in 2 ways.

First, it is an empowering statement of personal boundaries around how you are going to spend your time. Second, it contributes to a feeling of balance. ‘Is this a priority’ can feel like putting off stuff. ‘Is this necessary’ is more about letting go.   

3. Consider the fact that emotional work adds to feelings of being busy. 

Things like conflict, disconnection from loved ones, strained relationships etc. can take a real toll on energy levels. Perhaps at times of heavy emotional work, you take on less physically or reach out for more support.  However, I find just acknowledging and accepting that emotional upheaval is part of the current drain can be a relief.  While it doesn’t take it away, it shifts my awareness of what is happening outside of me to what is happening inside of me. There, I have a lot more influence 🙂 

Most importantly, allow yourself to feel the joy of slowing down whenever and however you can.  Let yourself really own and appreciate the efforts you made (either physically or emotionally) to create extra time or space in your day. 

If having your children around all summer ramps up your busy factor, check out some helpful tips here.

Marny Elliott is a Parent Coach and Relationship Counsellor. She empowers parents, educators and professionals to use the Nurtured Heart Approach®, an effective, heart centred method to transform behaviour, build relationships and grow the Inner Wealth® of children. In addition, she provides holistic counseling to adults seeking to address defeating patterns and improve their relationships with themselves and others. Please visit www.joywithin.ca, email marny@joywithin.ca or call 250.218.8702.

Hey parents!  It’s that time of year again when the summer break is right around the corner. How are you feeling?  What do you anticipate?

For many, this can be a time of looking forward to carefree days of open calendars and fun with family and friends. There can also be some very real challenges.  Children with less structure, more free time and more time at home while parents still try and meet all of their own personal responsibilities and expectations, can be a recipe for stress and conflict.

Before you pick up the summer copy of your local rec centre’s programming options, take a look at these strategies.

In the summer and always, remember this first and foremost. Your energy, words, and actions have the power to create calm or chaos.

Since behaviour is a form of communication, grounding ourselves in this knowledge can be a reassuring cornerstone of dealing with children. From the perspective that their own inner turmoil, a lack of skills or a need for connection (maybe all 3) is probably behind the behavior, many adults can better manage their personal triggers that inflame situations. Instead, they can choose a more compassionate and supportive role.

This is not to excuse or tolerate negative behavior. However, in the midst of interpersonal conflict, we can inadvertently be reinforcing the very behavior we wish to stop. In addition, we can create feelings of unhealthy shame, blame, and guilt.

Since your parental words of wisdom are not being heard anyway, focus on returning to calm and connection. Then look for opportunities to teach. 

Embrace boredom!

Two days after school ends and the incessant whine of ‘I’m bored’ begins.  Friends have their own plans so you become the sole source of entertainment. Ugh – not already!!

Boredom can be a challenge and also an awesome opportunity to inspire problem-solving and creative thinking. First, check in with your own personal expectations. Trying to keep everyone happy and busy all the time will send even the most Pinterest savvy parent to Baileys in their first cup of coffee! 

Instead, invest a bit of time brainstorming about boredom ideas early on.  We make a ‘boredom list’ but use a jar, box …. whatever might appeal to your family. Write down as much as you can and feel free to add later.  The idea is to use it, rather than you, as the entertainment inspiration at the first sign of sulking. 

If this falls short, allow them time to be bored before you intervene. During this time, they may surprise you as they work through the situation albeit, perhaps, kicking and screaming. Use these opportunities to build their awareness of how capable they are of problem-solving, being proactive, cooperatively working toward a common goal, handling uncomfortable emotions etc. In the moment of creating the list, using it or working through their feelings, they are.

Make some plans, even if you prefer to fly by the seat of your pants.

The reason for this is not to make everything carved in stone or predictable.  Rather, it is to be able to answer the barrage of questions with something more tangible than ‘no’ or ‘I don’t know’.  Absolutely, these are answers that children need to be able to accept! However,  too many of them can lead to unnecessary conflict. 

Find the balance of planned events and unscheduled time that works for your family and save ‘no’ for the times when you really need it.

For those with multiple children, also work in both together and one on one time. Planning focused time with each child can go a long way to keeping things on an even keel.  Children want to feel like they have YOU and being proactive can help.  Even short periods of time doing something low key can fuel connection, a feeling of belonging and opportunity to be acknowledged.

Be proactive with sibling dynamics.

If you have more than 1 child, you know that all the things that come with more time together can provide an opportunity to ramp up the conflict between children. Check out this article, “7 Shifts to Help Manage Negative Sibling Dynamics” for some specific strategies to help.

If you are planning a time when you will all be in close quarters (I am thinking road trip etc.) a credit system can come in handy.

While I am not usually a fan of providing external rewards, I have found great success with time ended events. Because there is no on-going need to keep at it, the maintenance and consistency are manageable. Best of all, when you apply Nurtured Heart Approach® intentions, it is a wonderful opportunity to grow greatness rather than focus on extrinsic rewards.  Check out what we have used with wonderful results.

Maintain some structure.

While it is tempting to relax things over the summer, try not to let go of too many routines and responsibilities. Children can manage big emotions better when they are not physically compromised. Things like bedtime and eating, we can influence, so keeping hunger and exhaustion out of the equation can help. 

Also, life still goes on. Continuing expectations around family contributions to maintaining the home and personal responsibilities can minimize the burden on parents while ensuring children understand there are still others to help on summer vacation.

Yeah!  Another opportunity to build confidence in their abilities.  When children are keeping up with their responsibilities and taking on new tasks over the summer, they are being cooperative, helpful, a valuable contributor and maybe even being a keen learner in the case of new tasks  If these are qualities you want to develop in your children, take these moments to authentically acknowledge when they are happening. 

Resist the temptation to allow electronics to take over.

Many children, especially older ones left alone, will want to spend time gaming, surfing, texting or in front of the TV.  It is an easy go-to when boredom sets in or peers are doing the same.  In case you haven’t heard, ‘everyone gets to access electronics all the time!’.  Don’t fall for that line as it can put you on a slippery slope! While it is true that many do, there are also many that don’t.

If you have limits during the school year, stick to them or decide ahead of time what the summer exceptions will be and then consistently enforce it.    Use parental control options on devices to help enforce the limits and be clear on the consequences for breaking the rules.

Most of all, be sure to notice when rules are followed, consequences are accepted and a balance in activities is being used to fill the day.  These are qualities of maturity and responsibility that we don’t want to go unnoticed. Maximize these strength building moments.

Photo by Kevin Delvecchio on Unsplash

In all of this, remember to take time for you. Whether you work inside the home, outside the home or both, when you are doing your summer planning, think about how you can re-charge your batteries. While it may not seem like it at the beginning, the summer will fly by! Do what you can to look back and remember the times – even if only a few – when you had a smile on your face, the energy to enjoy some family time and the ability to cope gracefully with the challenges. 

Most of us know first hand how hard it is to have positive outcomes when we, as the adults, are not in control of our own reactions.  I have certainly been in my fair share of battles with my children and I know how hard it can be. If you need support, you are not alone. Reach out to friends, family or professionals. We are here to help!

Marny Elliott is a Parent Coach and Relationship Counsellor. She empowers parents, educators and professionals to use the Nurtured Heart Approach®, an effective, heart centred method to transform behaviour, build relationships and grow the Inner Wealth® of children. In addition, she provides holistic counseling to adults seeking to address defeating patterns and improve their relationships with themselves and others. Please visit www.joywithin.ca, email marny@joywithin.ca or call 250.218.8702.

This time of year, we talk about peace, joy and family but it can be hard to feel the love when we are overwhelmed, stressed or alone.

Here are 5 things that can help connect more and stress less.

First and foremost, believe this. At any age, your child’s best gift is you and they are yours.  

As our children get older and more independent they spend more time away from us.  As they spend more time trying to find their individuality and gravitating toward friends, they want to pursue different interests.

The thing that is critical to remember, is that all through this very important process for both parents and children, the reality is that they still want our presence and connection more than anything.  Even when they deny it!

Stick with the occasional “do we have to hang with you again?” or “we would do this anyway”.  Once together, notice the laughter and joy or maybe even the silence and lack of complaint. 

Look for gifts that are more about connection, relationship and self rather than stuff.

This is about giving events that create memories together or gifts that have meaning. Events can be big or small – a hike and hot chocolate, a holiday event, a favourite movie and popcorn, dinner out, making gingerbread houses.  These are the memories that are remembered. For actual gifts, try this one – NHA style. Greatness Notes and Boxes are a meaningful and easy way to communicate what we appreciate in our loved ones. They also become a source of strength others can turn to. 

Create traditions!

When our family was small and young we had a Christmas Elf. It was fun and magical.

The Christmas Elf delivered little surprises each day in Dec. It was our way of doing an Advent kind of activity with a little more mystery. The intent was to move away from hectic, busy and focus on stuff and toward enjoying the moment, feeling excited and being delighted.

All we did was write a note and hide it in a specific spot each day. We used a train that has a door for each day of Dec. You could use anything really. The note would tell them where to look and their hunt took them to a small surprise.  It was sometimes a small toy, book, treat or commitment to do something together.

Then our family grew and our children got wiser 🙂 

It became a lot of work to write notes and hide stuff for multiples each day. This Christmas Elf sure can get forgetful after a long day when a glass of wine and Gray’s Anatomy is calling! What also came was a bigger focus on the treasure. As our children got older, it also became harder and harder to buy little things. The ‘stuff’ that lights up their eyes got WAY to expensive.

So, for full focus on family time together, we moved to our version of the 12 Days of Christmas. Amazingly, the excitement is still alive to find the message in secret places and see what we will do that day. We are creating lasting memories of BEING together and the pressure is off. They are even often repeating events that have become traditions themselves and we also do not do them all within the 12 days before Christmas.  They can count the calendar days themselves now so we spread it out over the whole month.

Look for what is going right.

Family expectations and drama can be high this time of year. With so many details to remember, personalities to contend with and past histories to consider, a family event can become a landmine. Focusing on what is going right can be a game changer.  When we shift our energy to something positive, it frees us up to see that and enjoy it.  This does not deny any issues that exist, but it does help us hold onto the notion that everyone has baggage and it is theirs. At the end of the day, people are good and want to connect.

When you can, ramp that up to feeling grateful.  Even the thorniest of people have contributed to your life in some way. This does not equate to saying pass wrongs were OK or have been forgotten.  It equates to letting go of the past and accepting that people are who they are. Keep your boundaries strong and enjoy them for who they are while letting go of the hope that they will change or trying to fix a relationship on your own.

Pick your favorite thing and prioritize making it happen.

This is so important!  So often, we can get sucked into the ‘doing’ and forget about the ‘being’.  I am not going to say ‘take care of you’. At the end of the day, if you thought about that when you had the opportunity, you probably would have. Instead, take baby steps.  Pick one thing each day that is important to you and make it happen.  Maybe it is part of the ‘doing’ – many people enjoy that.  Maybe you need to get outside.  If you can’t get time alone to do that, take the family. Spend time in the community. Giving your time or things to a charity can feel so rewarding. Just sitting quietly watching people bustle by when you aren’t can be nice.

Celebrate all that you have and connect with those around you. Slow down enough to notice the little moments and savour how it feels to be in it. It is only when we notice the peace, love and joy of the season that we can enjoy it.

Marny Elliott is a Nurtured Heart Approach® (NHA) Trainer, Coach and Emotional Health Therapist. She empowers parents, educators and professionals to use this effective, heart centred approach to transform behaviour, build relationships and grow the Inner Wealth® of children. In addition, she provides holistic counselling to adults seeking to address defeating patterns and improve their emotional health. Please visit www.joywithin.ca, email marny@joywithin.ca or call 250.218.8702.

Has your child (or even you) been in a situation where one wants to be friends while another doesn’t? Maybe it is causing conflict? This can become emotionally charged territory for parents.

On one hand, we teach children about inclusion, being a good friend and not hurting another’s feelings. On the other, we teach them about developing a strong inner voice about who to befriend, being empowered and making independent choices. This can create confusion for the child.

The truth is – people don’t always want to be friends.

We all have unique personalities and interests, that naturally attract us to certain people.  Past histories make us want to avoid others.  Even how we feel day to day can steer us to someone in particular.

Furthermore, there are some good reasons for avoiding someone. Wise decisions, based on how others treat us or behaviours/interests we are not comfortable being around, can serve us well in life.

It is OK to not want to hang out with someone.  It is not OK to be unkind. So, how do teach our children to honour their feelings while also knowing what to do with them?

The key to this dilemma lies in relationship, skills and a culture shift.

Start with relationship. Calmly hear your child’s story, feelings and needs. Remain supportive and open while resisting the temptation to jump to conclusions or label.

• Underlying reasons are important to understand. Something may have happened that the children don’t know how to resolve. Here, parents can help to mend feelings and relationships.  Other times, there are reasons that we need to respect. We may never know the true motivations or details, but, where possible, speak to the other parents/children. More pieces can help tell the story and resolve the issue.
• Explore the possibility that, what feels like exclusion, may be unintended. Perhaps it is simply about other friendships or interests.
• Learning is an on-going process for all humans, so until a problem is big, keep it small. Accusations and labelling assume we know intention while ignoring other aspects of a person. Furthermore, internalized labels can bring unnecessary damage. Also, unintended payoff can result from punishment while straining relationships and squashing communication.  
• Be curious and role-play what they would like to say to the other child. Shifting from “I don’t like you’ to ‘I don’t feel like playing that game today’ or ‘I was excluded’ to ‘we have different interests’ moves away from something personal to something still truthful yet more about the activity than the person.
• Before involving another person, ensure your child has a say.  They came to you, so unless it is warranted, protect their confidence. This is an opportunity to tell them how much you appreciate the open and honest relationship they are building with you.

Next, turn to skills. Focus on what is really important – kindness, compassion and self-worth. Learning how to say what we feel and want is a life skill. Saying it in a kind and respectful way is critical.

• Explore what skills your child is using to communicate that ‘I just don’t want to friends’. What skills do they need to handle feelings of rejection?  Learning how to communicate wants and needs, build new friendships, maintain multiple friendships and feel their own sense of worth can help. Handling conflict, having a supportive network and keeping hurt feelings as just that (rather than affecting their self-worth) are qualities that last a lifetime.

Be the culture shift. Instead of what is not great about others, look at what is great. Teach your children to do the same.

• Children are not just one behaviour and this understanding is not the same as accepting a bad one. Children need to learn positive social skills with peers. ‘Rejecting’ and being ‘rejected’ can be feelings loaded with underlying ripple effects so we need to navigate it carefully. Whenever possible, reflect back to children the actions they are taking and the qualities they are showing like kindness and compassion. Notice when they stand up for themselves and others appropriately. Tell them when you see them handling an upsetting event with strength and resilience. Show children the irrefutable truth of their greatness time and time again until it becomes their truth.  The more they believe they are capable of navigating the situations they are in and expressing their thoughts and feelings in a healthy way, the more they will.
• Be clear on what behaviour is acceptable and not, then align your energy to support that. When we shift focus and amp up our energy around positive behaviours, we clearly communicate what we value. Conversely, energy directed to behavior we don’t want, leaves less for behavior we do.

Just to clarify, ‘rejecting’ is not the same as bullying. The latter is targeted, repetitive, aggressive and intended to harm, cause distress or fear.  http://www.education.vic.gov.au/about/programs/bullystoppers/Pages/what.aspx.  It is real and is unacceptable. Social exclusion can be a form of bullying – again – when it is targeted, intended to harm etc. Not wanting to be friends, while hurtful, has different roots, dynamics and intentions. 

The good news is, that while not wanting to hang with you and bullying are VERY different, they can be handled in similar ways.  

This article (written by a student) about bullying (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/izzy-baird/bullying_b_5591930.html) rang so true to me. The revelation that ‘… we need to shift our focus away from bullying behaviors and concentrate on building the inner-strength of all students’, reinforces these notions. Helping people focus on and build a strong inner reservoir of emotional health is a growing and effective action. 

To handle stressful social situations, children need

• communication skills based in kindness and respect
• positive core beliefs about themselves and their abilities
• Inner Wealth® (which includes resilience) to protect their self-esteem from the opinions and behaviors of others, cope with life’s challenges and form healthy relationships
• trust in themselves and you

Including all children in the solution is key. Through healthy relationships, skills building and creating a culture that sees everyone as valuable, we focus on prevention. The day we can drive our interactions from that place is the day we communicate with truth, handle others with care and set boundaries with grace. We re-bound from emotional hurt and move forward, still feeling strong on the inside.

Marny Elliott is a Nurtured Heart Approach® (NHA) Trainer, Coach and Emotional Health Therapist. She empowers parents, educators etc. to use this effective, heart centered approach to transform behaviour, build relationships and grow the Inner Wealth® of children. In addition, she provides holistic counselling to adults seeking to address defeating patterns and improve their emotional health. Please visit www.joywithin.ca, email marny@joywithin.ca or call 250.218.8702.

One of the things that can really send many adults over the edge is the negative dynamics that can happen between children.  With the summer coming up and our children having more time on their hands as well as more time together,  I am preparing for the dependable onslaught of sibling fighting, finking and feuding.

But how?

Sibling dynamics can often be full of fun as they engage in play together. They can be full of compassion as they look out for each other, kindness as they comfort each other and support as they take on new adventures with the familiarity of someone they know by their side. Sometimes, siblings inspire each other and even become the others biggest cheerleader.

They can also be full of teasing, outright battles, resentment, jealousy etc.

Both ends of the spectrum are important to some extent as children work out who they are and how to be with others in the world. There is a saying along the lines of …. we are hardest on the ones we are closest too. There is also a widely accepted notion that our children often save their worst for when they get home.

I don’t throw those in to suggest the negative side of sibling behaviour should be tolerated nor is necessarily acceptable.  I add them to help with perspective.

We have the power to choose to view these challenging dynamics a bit differently. When we view them differently, we can then address them differently.

The good in sibling squabbles is learning.

Children learn a lot from each other. Having a sibling allows children to develop skills around sharing, compromise, working out conflicts, negotiating, tolerance etc. in the safety of their own families.  Not pretty when your child goes to a friend’s house and pins another child to the floor when they don’t get to choose the game they wanted. If this behaviour is going to come up, we want it to happen at home. Then, we are able to teach and guide them to learn flexibility, compromise, patience and acceptance. The skills to cope with not getting what they want.

So, how do we minimize the fighting and maximize the friendship?

• Don’t wait for a fight to break out to teach children about getting along. Be close by when siblings are together so you notice what they are doing to work out a situation using the skills you would like them to have. For example – ‘I see you pausing when your sister chose the game.  You are being thoughtful about how you want to respond’. Or ‘I noticed that you and your brother could not agree on what to play.  You kept trying to find an activity you could agree on and that shows that you are trying to find a compromise’.

• If a disagreement does develop, to some degree, allow children to work out their differences and learn how to handle conflict. This is another opportunity to teach before it escalates. Let’s face it, no one gets along all the time, so these are moments to teach skills around handling conflict.  For example – ‘You seem really mad that your brother is not wanting to play with you right now. Instead of hitting him, you are still using your words to try and change his mind.  That takes great self-control.’ Or ‘Your sister is really annoying you right now but you are not retaliating.  You have chosen to not engage and that shows amazing maturity.’

• A situation that turns harmful to a person or property will need intervention to keep things safe. Remember to stay as calm as possible. An adult’s escalated emotions generally cause things to spiral out of control and your children need you to be in control of yourself so they can do the same for themselves. Again, stay focused on the way the child is calming. Or the way the other child was not feeding a negative dynamic. See it and say it.

• If there is a stressful scenario that plays out repeatedly in your family, take some time to plan ahead. Carve out a moment or 2 for yourself to help prepare you to remain calm. Take your worries about how it ‘could’ all play out and use that energy to see how you ‘want’ it to play out. Then, instead of sitting back and hoping it happens, take an active role in making that happen.  Be prepared to notice and acknowledge the things going right BEFORE they go wrong.

• Know there are many opportunities to teach a skill. Provide feedback to your children for qualities they are showing in situations other than the stressful one. A child that ‘never’ shares with a sibling likely shows the quality of sharing elsewhere (with parents, pets, friends etc.). Being acknowledged for sharing in some situations will help them build that skill and be able to transport it to more situations.

• Explore your own triggers. What exactly is it about what happens before, during or after a sibling squabble that bothers you most? Having this information can help you, as the adult, see the way through a tough situation.  For example – if you feel like someone could be judging you because your child is throwing a fit in the grocery store, you are more likely to over react to the situation which can make it worse. Trying to control a child is way harder than trying to control yourself so you can respond in a way that keeps the problem small.  Instead of allowing your triggers to send your emotions sideways, see the opportunity to create successes.

• Don’t be hard on yourself. Children will not always get along and will not always have the emotional maturity to manage a situation.  Try not to force a coming back together or apology as this can overshadow the child’s own feelings about the other person and the situation. If they don’t really mean it, we can teach insincerity. After a cooling off period help them make any repairs to the relationship that are appropriate.  Moving forward, help them start to tune their vision to what the other child is doing well.

If you want to experience more joy this summer and less stress from sibling craziness, try to find when it is going right and build from that.  Inspire your children to do the same. It is not always going to be a breeze so just remember that children learn more through being successful at something and less when they are being told they did something wrong. We can start to shift sibling dynamics when we notice and authentically appreciate when things are going well. 

We can show them that they have the skills to enjoy their sibling more through friendship by helping them see and believe in what they are truly capable of.

Enjoy your summer,

Marny

Marny Elliott is a Nurtured Heart Approach® (NHA) Trainer, Coach and Emotional Health Therapist. She empowers parents, educators etc. to use this effective, heart centered approach to transform behaviour, build relationships and grow the Inner Wealth® of children. In addition, she provides holistic counselling to adults seeking to address defeating patterns and improve their emotional health. Please visit www.joywithin.ca, email marny@joywithin.ca or call 250.218.8702.