Hey parents!  It’s that time of year again when the summer break is right around the corner. How are you feeling?  What do you anticipate?

For many, this can be a time of looking forward to carefree days of open calendars and fun with family and friends. There can also be some very real challenges.  Children with less structure, more free time and more time at home while parents still try and meet all of their own personal responsibilities and expectations, can be a recipe for stress and conflict.

Before you pick up the summer copy of your local rec centre’s programming options, take a look at these strategies.

In the summer and always, remember this first and foremost. Your energy, words, and actions have the power to create calm or chaos.

Since behaviour is a form of communication, grounding ourselves in this knowledge can be a reassuring cornerstone of dealing with children. From the perspective that their own inner turmoil, a lack of skills or a need for connection (maybe all 3) is probably behind the behavior, many adults can better manage their personal triggers that inflame situations. Instead, they can choose a more compassionate and supportive role.

This is not to excuse or tolerate negative behavior. However, in the midst of interpersonal conflict, we can inadvertently be reinforcing the very behavior we wish to stop. In addition, we can create feelings of unhealthy shame, blame, and guilt.

Since your parental words of wisdom are not being heard anyway, focus on returning to calm and connection. Then look for opportunities to teach. 

Embrace boredom!

Two days after school ends and the incessant whine of ‘I’m bored’ begins.  Friends have their own plans so you become the sole source of entertainment. Ugh – not already!!

Boredom can be a challenge and also an awesome opportunity to inspire problem-solving and creative thinking. First, check in with your own personal expectations. Trying to keep everyone happy and busy all the time will send even the most Pinterest savvy parent to Baileys in their first cup of coffee! 

Instead, invest a bit of time brainstorming about boredom ideas early on.  We make a ‘boredom list’ but use a jar, box …. whatever might appeal to your family. Write down as much as you can and feel free to add later.  The idea is to use it, rather than you, as the entertainment inspiration at the first sign of sulking. 

If this falls short, allow them time to be bored before you intervene. During this time, they may surprise you as they work through the situation albeit, perhaps, kicking and screaming. Use these opportunities to build their awareness of how capable they are of problem-solving, being proactive, cooperatively working toward a common goal, handling uncomfortable emotions etc. In the moment of creating the list, using it or working through their feelings, they are.

Make some plans, even if you prefer to fly by the seat of your pants.

The reason for this is not to make everything carved in stone or predictable.  Rather, it is to be able to answer the barrage of questions with something more tangible than ‘no’ or ‘I don’t know’.  Absolutely, these are answers that children need to be able to accept! However,  too many of them can lead to unnecessary conflict. 

Find the balance of planned events and unscheduled time that works for your family and save ‘no’ for the times when you really need it.

For those with multiple children, also work in both together and one on one time. Planning focused time with each child can go a long way to keeping things on an even keel.  Children want to feel like they have YOU and being proactive can help.  Even short periods of time doing something low key can fuel connection, a feeling of belonging and opportunity to be acknowledged.

Be proactive with sibling dynamics.

If you have more than 1 child, you know that all the things that come with more time together can provide an opportunity to ramp up the conflict between children. Check out this article, “7 Shifts to Help Manage Negative Sibling Dynamics” for some specific strategies to help.

If you are planning a time when you will all be in close quarters (I am thinking road trip etc.) a credit system can come in handy.

While I am not usually a fan of providing external rewards, I have found great success with time ended events. Because there is no on-going need to keep at it, the maintenance and consistency are manageable. Best of all, when you apply Nurtured Heart Approach® intentions, it is a wonderful opportunity to grow greatness rather than focus on extrinsic rewards.  Check out what we have used with wonderful results.

Maintain some structure.

While it is tempting to relax things over the summer, try not to let go of too many routines and responsibilities. Children can manage big emotions better when they are not physically compromised. Things like bedtime and eating, we can influence, so keeping hunger and exhaustion out of the equation can help. 

Also, life still goes on. Continuing expectations around family contributions to maintaining the home and personal responsibilities can minimize the burden on parents while ensuring children understand there are still others to help on summer vacation.

Yeah!  Another opportunity to build confidence in their abilities.  When children are keeping up with their responsibilities and taking on new tasks over the summer, they are being cooperative, helpful, a valuable contributor and maybe even being a keen learner in the case of new tasks  If these are qualities you want to develop in your children, take these moments to authentically acknowledge when they are happening. 

Resist the temptation to allow electronics to take over.

Many children, especially older ones left alone, will want to spend time gaming, surfing, texting or in front of the TV.  It is an easy go-to when boredom sets in or peers are doing the same.  In case you haven’t heard, ‘everyone gets to access electronics all the time!’.  Don’t fall for that line as it can put you on a slippery slope! While it is true that many do, there are also many that don’t.

If you have limits during the school year, stick to them or decide ahead of time what the summer exceptions will be and then consistently enforce it.    Use parental control options on devices to help enforce the limits and be clear on the consequences for breaking the rules.

Most of all, be sure to notice when rules are followed, consequences are accepted and a balance in activities is being used to fill the day.  These are qualities of maturity and responsibility that we don’t want to go unnoticed. Maximize these strength building moments.

In all of this, remember to take time for you. Whether you work inside the home, outside the home or both, when you are doing your summer planning, think about how you can re-charge your batteries. While it may not seem like it at the beginning, the summer will fly by! Do what you can to look back and remember the times – even if only a few – when you had a smile on your face, the energy to enjoy some family time and the ability to cope gracefully with the challenges. 

Most of us know first hand how hard it is to have positive outcomes when we, as the adults, are not in control of our own reactions.  I have certainly been in my fair share of battles with my children and I know how hard it can be. If you need support, you are not alone. Reach out to friends, family or professionals. We are here to help!

Marny Elliott is a Parent Coach and Relationship Counsellor. She empowers parents, educators and professionals to use the Nurtured Heart Approach®, an effective, heart centred method to transform behaviour, build relationships and grow the Inner Wealth® of children. In addition, she provides holistic counseling to adults seeking to address defeating patterns and improve their relationships with themselves and others. Please visit www.joywithin.ca, email marny@joywithin.ca or call 250.218.8702.

This time of year, we talk about peace, joy and family but it can be hard to feel the love when we are overwhelmed, stressed or alone.

Here are 5 things that can help connect more and stress less.

First and foremost, believe this. At any age, your child’s best gift is you and they are yours.  

As our children get older and more independent they spend more time away from us.  As they spend more time trying to find their individuality and gravitating toward friends, they want to pursue different interests.

The thing that is critical to remember, is that all through this very important process for both parents and children, the reality is that they still want our presence and connection more than anything.  Even when they deny it!

Stick with the occasional “do we have to hang with you again?” or “we would do this anyway”.  Once together, notice the laughter and joy or maybe even the silence and lack of complaint. 

Look for gifts that are more about connection, relationship and self rather than stuff.

This is about giving events that create memories together or gifts that have meaning. Events can be big or small – a hike and hot chocolate, a holiday event, a favourite movie and popcorn, dinner out, making gingerbread houses.  These are the memories that are remembered. For actual gifts, try this one – NHA style. Greatness Notes and Boxes are a meaningful and easy way to communicate what we appreciate in our loved ones. They also become a source of strength others can turn to. 

Create traditions!

When our family was small and young we had a Christmas Elf. It was fun and magical.

The Christmas Elf delivered little surprises each day in Dec. It was our way of doing an Advent kind of activity with a little more mystery. The intent was to move away from hectic, busy and focus on stuff and toward enjoying the moment, feeling excited and being delighted.

All we did was write a note and hide it in a specific spot each day. We used a train that has a door for each day of Dec. You could use anything really. The note would tell them where to look and their hunt took them to a small surprise.  It was sometimes a small toy, book, treat or commitment to do something together.

Then our family grew and our children got wiser 🙂 

It became a lot of work to write notes and hide stuff for multiples each day. This Christmas Elf sure can get forgetful after a long day when a glass of wine and Gray’s Anatomy is calling! What also came was a bigger focus on the treasure. As our children got older, it also became harder and harder to buy little things. The ‘stuff’ that lights up their eyes got WAY to expensive.

So, for full focus on family time together, we moved to our version of the 12 Days of Christmas. Amazingly, the excitement is still alive to find the message in secret places and see what we will do that day. We are creating lasting memories of BEING together and the pressure is off. They are even often repeating events that have become traditions themselves and we also do not do them all within the 12 days before Christmas.  They can count the calendar days themselves now so we spread it out over the whole month.

Look for what is going right.

Family expectations and drama can be high this time of year. With so many details to remember, personalities to contend with and past histories to consider, a family event can become a landmine. Focusing on what is going right can be a game changer.  When we shift our energy to something positive, it frees us up to see that and enjoy it.  This does not deny any issues that exist, but it does help us hold onto the notion that everyone has baggage and it is theirs. At the end of the day, people are good and want to connect.

When you can, ramp that up to feeling grateful.  Even the thorniest of people have contributed to your life in some way. This does not equate to saying pass wrongs were OK or have been forgotten.  It equates to letting go of the past and accepting that people are who they are. Keep your boundaries strong and enjoy them for who they are while letting go of the hope that they will change or trying to fix a relationship on your own.

Pick your favorite thing and prioritize making it happen.

This is so important!  So often, we can get sucked into the ‘doing’ and forget about the ‘being’.  I am not going to say ‘take care of you’. At the end of the day, if you thought about that when you had the opportunity, you probably would have. Instead, take baby steps.  Pick one thing each day that is important to you and make it happen.  Maybe it is part of the ‘doing’ – many people enjoy that.  Maybe you need to get outside.  If you can’t get time alone to do that, take the family. Spend time in the community. Giving your time or things to a charity can feel so rewarding. Just sitting quietly watching people bustle by when you aren’t can be nice.

Celebrate all that you have and connect with those around you. Slow down enough to notice the little moments and savour how it feels to be in it. It is only when we notice the peace, love and joy of the season that we can enjoy it.

Marny Elliott is a Nurtured Heart Approach® (NHA) Trainer, Coach and Emotional Health Therapist. She empowers parents, educators and professionals to use this effective, heart centred approach to transform behaviour, build relationships and grow the Inner Wealth® of children. In addition, she provides holistic counselling to adults seeking to address defeating patterns and improve their emotional health. Please visit www.joywithin.ca, email marny@joywithin.ca or call 250.218.8702.

Has your child (or even you) been in a situation where one wants to be friends while another doesn’t? Maybe it is causing conflict? This can become emotionally charged territory for parents.

On one hand, we teach children about inclusion, being a good friend and not hurting another’s feelings. On the other, we teach them about developing a strong inner voice about who to befriend, being empowered and making independent choices. This can create confusion for the child.

The truth is – people don’t always want to be friends.

We all have unique personalities and interests, that naturally attract us to certain people.  Past histories make us want to avoid others.  Even how we feel day to day can steer us to someone in particular.

Furthermore, there are some good reasons for avoiding someone. Wise decisions, based on how others treat us or behaviours/interests we are not comfortable being around, can serve us well in life.

It is OK to not want to hang out with someone.  It is not OK to be unkind. So, how do teach our children to honour their feelings while also knowing what to do with them?

The key to this dilemma lies in relationship, skills and a culture shift.

Start with relationship. Calmly hear your child’s story, feelings and needs. Remain supportive and open while resisting the temptation to jump to conclusions or label.

• Underlying reasons are important to understand. Something may have happened that the children don’t know how to resolve. Here, parents can help to mend feelings and relationships.  Other times, there are reasons that we need to respect. We may never know the true motivations or details, but, where possible, speak to the other parents/children. More pieces can help tell the story and resolve the issue.
• Explore the possibility that, what feels like exclusion, may be unintended. Perhaps it is simply about other friendships or interests.
• Learning is an on-going process for all humans, so until a problem is big, keep it small. Accusations and labelling assume we know intention while ignoring other aspects of a person. Furthermore, internalized labels can bring unnecessary damage. Also, unintended payoff can result from punishment while straining relationships and squashing communication.  
• Be curious and role-play what they would like to say to the other child. Shifting from “I don’t like you’ to ‘I don’t feel like playing that game today’ or ‘I was excluded’ to ‘we have different interests’ moves away from something personal to something still truthful yet more about the activity than the person.
• Before involving another person, ensure your child has a say.  They came to you, so unless it is warranted, protect their confidence. This is an opportunity to tell them how much you appreciate the open and honest relationship they are building with you.

Next, turn to skills. Focus on what is really important – kindness, compassion and self-worth. Learning how to say what we feel and want is a life skill. Saying it in a kind and respectful way is critical.

• Explore what skills your child is using to communicate that ‘I just don’t want to friends’. What skills do they need to handle feelings of rejection?  Learning how to communicate wants and needs, build new friendships, maintain multiple friendships and feel their own sense of worth can help. Handling conflict, having a supportive network and keeping hurt feelings as just that (rather than affecting their self-worth) are qualities that last a lifetime.

Be the culture shift. Instead of what is not great about others, look at what is great. Teach your children to do the same.

• Children are not just one behaviour and this understanding is not the same as accepting a bad one. Children need to learn positive social skills with peers. ‘Rejecting’ and being ‘rejected’ can be feelings loaded with underlying ripple effects so we need to navigate it carefully. Whenever possible, reflect back to children the actions they are taking and the qualities they are showing like kindness and compassion. Notice when they stand up for themselves and others appropriately. Tell them when you see them handling an upsetting event with strength and resilience. Show children the irrefutable truth of their greatness time and time again until it becomes their truth.  The more they believe they are capable of navigating the situations they are in and expressing their thoughts and feelings in a healthy way, the more they will.
• Be clear on what behaviour is acceptable and not, then align your energy to support that. When we shift focus and amp up our energy around positive behaviours, we clearly communicate what we value. Conversely, energy directed to behavior we don’t want, leaves less for behavior we do.

Just to clarify, ‘rejecting’ is not the same as bullying. The latter is targeted, repetitive, aggressive and intended to harm, cause distress or fear.  http://www.education.vic.gov.au/about/programs/bullystoppers/Pages/what.aspx.  It is real and is unacceptable. Social exclusion can be a form of bullying – again – when it is targeted, intended to harm etc. Not wanting to be friends, while hurtful, has different roots, dynamics and intentions. 

The good news is, that while not wanting to hang with you and bullying are VERY different, they can be handled in similar ways.  

This article (written by a student) about bullying (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/izzy-baird/bullying_b_5591930.html) rang so true to me. The revelation that ‘… we need to shift our focus away from bullying behaviors and concentrate on building the inner-strength of all students’, reinforces these notions. Helping people focus on and build a strong inner reservoir of emotional health is a growing and effective action. 

To handle stressful social situations, children need

• communication skills based in kindness and respect
• positive core beliefs about themselves and their abilities
• Inner Wealth® (which includes resilience) to protect their self-esteem from the opinions and behaviors of others, cope with life’s challenges and form healthy relationships
• trust in themselves and you

Including all children in the solution is key. Through healthy relationships, skills building and creating a culture that sees everyone as valuable, we focus on prevention. The day we can drive our interactions from that place is the day we communicate with truth, handle others with care and set boundaries with grace. We re-bound from emotional hurt and move forward, still feeling strong on the inside.

Marny Elliott is a Nurtured Heart Approach® (NHA) Trainer, Coach and Emotional Health Therapist. She empowers parents, educators etc. to use this effective, heart centered approach to transform behaviour, build relationships and grow the Inner Wealth® of children. In addition, she provides holistic counselling to adults seeking to address defeating patterns and improve their emotional health. Please visit www.joywithin.ca, email marny@joywithin.ca or call 250.218.8702.

One of the things that can really send many adults over the edge is the negative dynamics that can happen between children.  With the summer coming up and our children having more time on their hands as well as more time together,  I am preparing for the dependable onslaught of sibling fighting, finking and feuding.

But how?

Sibling dynamics can often be full of fun as they engage in play together. They can be full of compassion as they look out for each other, kindness as they comfort each other and support as they take on new adventures with the familiarity of someone they know by their side. Sometimes, siblings inspire each other and even become the others biggest cheerleader.

They can also be full of teasing, outright battles, resentment, jealousy etc.

Both ends of the spectrum are important to some extent as children work out who they are and how to be with others in the world. There is a saying along the lines of …. we are hardest on the ones we are closest too. There is also a widely accepted notion that our children often save their worst for when they get home.

I don’t throw those in to suggest the negative side of sibling behaviour should be tolerated nor is necessarily acceptable.  I add them to help with perspective.

We have the power to choose to view these challenging dynamics a bit differently. When we view them differently, we can then address them differently.

The good in sibling squabbles is learning.

Children learn a lot from each other. Having a sibling allows children to develop skills around sharing, compromise, working out conflicts, negotiating, tolerance etc. in the safety of their own families.  Not pretty when your child goes to a friend’s house and pins another child to the floor when they don’t get to choose the game they wanted. If this behaviour is going to come up, we want it to happen at home. Then, we are able to teach and guide them to learn flexibility, compromise, patience and acceptance. The skills to cope with not getting what they want.

So, how do we minimize the fighting and maximize the friendship?

• Don’t wait for a fight to break out to teach children about getting along. Be close by when siblings are together so you notice what they are doing to work out a situation using the skills you would like them to have. For example – ‘I see you pausing when your sister chose the game.  You are being thoughtful about how you want to respond’. Or ‘I noticed that you and your brother could not agree on what to play.  You kept trying to find an activity you could agree on and that shows that you are trying to find a compromise’.

 

• If a disagreement does develop, to some degree, allow children to work out their differences and learn how to handle conflict. This is another opportunity to teach before it escalates. Let’s face it, no one gets along all the time, so these are moments to teach skills around handling conflict.  For example – ‘You seem really mad that your brother is not wanting to play with you right now. Instead of hitting him, you are still using your words to try and change his mind.  That takes great self-control.’ Or ‘Your sister is really annoying you right now but you are not retaliating.  You have chosen to not engage and that shows amazing maturity.’

 

• A situation that turns harmful to a person or property will need intervention to keep things safe. Remember to stay as calm as possible. An adult’s escalated emotions generally cause things to spiral out of control and your children need you to be in control of yourself so they can do the same for themselves. Again, stay focused on the way the child is calming. Or the way the other child was not feeding a negative dynamic. See it and say it.

 

• If there is a stressful scenario that plays out repeatedly in your family, take some time to plan ahead. Carve out a moment or 2 for yourself to help prepare you to remain calm. Take your worries about how it ‘could’ all play out and use that energy to see how you ‘want’ it to play out. Then, instead of sitting back and hoping it happens, take an active role in making that happen.  Be prepared to notice and acknowledge the things going right BEFORE they go wrong.

 

• Know there are many opportunities to teach a skill. Provide feedback to your children for qualities they are showing in situations other than the stressful one. A child that ‘never’ shares with a sibling likely shows the quality of sharing elsewhere (with parents, pets, friends etc.). Being acknowledged for sharing in some situations will help them build that skill and be able to transport it to more situations.

 

• Explore your own triggers. What exactly is it about what happens before, during or after a sibling squabble that bothers you most? Having this information can help you, as the adult, see the way through a tough situation.  For example – if you feel like someone could be judging you because your child is throwing a fit in the grocery store, you are more likely to over react to the situation which can make it worse. Trying to control a child is way harder than trying to control yourself so you can respond in a way that keeps the problem small.  Instead of allowing your triggers to send your emotions sideways, see the opportunity to create successes.

 

• Don’t be hard on yourself. Children will not always get along and will not always have the emotional maturity to manage a situation.  Try not to force a coming back together or apology as this can overshadow the child’s own feelings about the other person and the situation. If they don’t really mean it, we can teach insincerity. After a cooling off period help them make any repairs to the relationship that are appropriate.  Moving forward, help them start to tune their vision to what the other child is doing well.

If you want to experience more joy this summer and less stress from sibling craziness, try to find when it is going right and build from that.  Inspire your children to do the same. It is not always going to be a breeze so just remember that children learn more through being successful at something and less when they are being told they did something wrong. We can start to shift sibling dynamics when we notice and authentically appreciate when things are going well. 

We can show them that they have the skills to enjoy their sibling more through friendship by helping them see and believe in what they are truly capable of.

Enjoy your summer,

Marny

Marny Elliott is a Nurtured Heart Approach® (NHA) Trainer, Coach and Emotional Health Therapist. She empowers parents, educators etc. to use this effective, heart centered approach to transform behaviour, build relationships and grow the Inner Wealth® of children. In addition, she provides holistic counselling to adults seeking to address defeating patterns and improve their emotional health. Please visit www.joywithin.ca, email marny@joywithin.ca or call 250.218.8702.

If you are the parent of a child born after 1984, you have raised/are raising a Millennial.

The factors explored in this video that have given them labels like ‘entitled’, ‘unfocused’, ‘self-interested’ and ‘lazy’ are parenting, technology, impatience, and environment. These are leaving a generation with lower self-esteem than ever before. Also prevalent is an inability to cope with stress and build meaningful relationships.

Not wanting such fate for my children, I can say that I feel the weight of this. So, while it is important that we remember the last 3 factors, it is equally important that we look in the mirror. As parents, we can take this information, think about the future we want for our children and take a serious look at our responsibility.

This video by Simon Sinek below talks about the responsibility that is in the hands of industry. His passion is about leadership so he is working hard to have the leaders of today’s corporations figure out how to get the best out of Millennials in the workplace.

My passion is about raising strong children who live their greatness. So, for those of us in the ‘raising’ stage, there is much we can do. Here are some thoughts to help you support this ‘amazing, idealistic, fantastic generation to build their confidence, learn patience, learn social skills and find balance ….”

Parenting in a more authentic way helps children believe in themselves and their own capabilities. Reflecting back to our children the truth of who they are is not the same as praising them.

Praise is often based on what someone does and is meant to make them feel good.  Authentic recognition is about being truthful about the qualities needed to act in a certain way. Through this, we help others know that they have and can rely on these qualities. Of course, accomplishment can be celebrated! But, failure can also be real and fully felt allowing qualities like confidence and resilience to be taught.  Within the process is where the greatness lies and not so much in the end result.

We can help them form healthy personal beliefs and teach the skills they need to deal with the real world.

Through the way we relate to our children, we set the tone for what they come to believe a relationship is. What they believe a relationship is, determines how they treat each other and how they expect to be treated. Most importantly, how we expect to be treated becomes part of our personal belief system.  Experiencing what it feels like to be seen and valued for who they really are, gives children a far greater tendency to be able to see that in others.  Not only that, they come to insist on it in the relationships they form. When they learn the language of connecting. It naturally follows that they feel more confident, able to be real with others and less likely to engage in the peer dynamics that break down relationship and the self-esteem of others.

They are more likely to have the skills to build healthy relationships with themselves and others.

How we relate to our children also sets the tone for the influence we have in their life. With effective influence, we become so much more empowered to teach, guide and support them.

Parents can create successes to build a child’s patience to move through the sometimes messy process of life to the true sources of belonging and joy.

In our world today, we have to wait for very little. We can hit a few buttons on a smartphone and have something at our door the next day.  A song we want to hear or a program we want to watch, we can do on demand. Remember ‘in the old days’ when you had to wait to hear your favorite song on the radio?  You wanted to record it so you would sit by the radio with your cassette player poised and ready to go only to have the announcer talk through the first of the song?  You were pissed but still had to wait for the next opportunity. At that moment, critical feelings came up and important skills were being developed.

While a simple example of a larger concept, the point is this. The pressures facing youth today seem greater while the opportunity to organically learn to manage them seem smaller.

In parenting, we have more opportunities than we often realize to see and teach what our children need. We can even create the experiences that teach critical skills. Rather than moments when your Millennial is not being successful, these are the truly teachable ones. 

Marny Elliott is a Parent Coach and Relationship Counsellor. She empowers parents, educators and professionals to use the Nurtured Heart Approach®, an effective, heart centred method to transform behaviour, build relationships and grow the Inner Wealth® of children. In addition, she provides holistic counseling to adults seeking to address defeating patterns and improve their relationships with themselves and others. Please visit www.joywithin.ca, email marny@joywithin.ca or call 250.218.8702.

In a future article, I want to more fully explore change. How do we decide what we need to change, let go of what we don’t and go through the process. One of the critical parts of the equation will most certainly be perspective.

Until we can see and focus on what is working, what is good and what we seek to feel, we will miss the opportunity to build on what we already have and deepen our successes along the journey of change.

To walk through what this looks like, I am going to use parenting.  However, the process can be an effective tool to use in any part of your life.  It simply builds a strong foundation to help navigate.

I was inspired to write this after reading several parenting articles that had, what I felt was somewhat murky and conflicting information. It made me really reflect on the tough gig of parenting when you are searching for answers but the process to find them is rather confusing.  The internet and book stores are FULL of advice as are friends, relatives …. even perfect strangers. How do we stay confident and clear? What do we really need when seeking guidance?

Let’s take lecturing for example because I did this just last evening 🙂

Ever lectured your child when they did something you didn’t like?  How quickly after you started did they tune out, feel hurt or fight back? If someone lectures you about something you did ‘wrong’, how do you feel? You probably don’t need an article to tell you it was ineffective.

Just to clarify – we do learn from our mistakes.  We do benefit from knowing about how others stumbled and rebounded. Without question, we all do and need to make mistakes. Furthermore, outside information can be critical to help us learn and make informed choices.  I just question if we need to stay stuck there.

When we know and believe in our own capabilities, we can make choices that we know to be right. They are right because they align with who we know we are and not just because we read it on line.

So, how do we do that?

1. Stop and change your perspective. So often, there is more to see than at first glance.
2. Get in touch with your amazing capabilities and tweek them (if necessary) so they manifest in the way you intend. Make a list and revisit it often.

Getting back to the lecturing example. Would it help you to read that you are making a mistake and wasting your energy by lecturing? Or, would it help you more to feel validated that you are a caring, supportive and conscientious parent? Perhaps that your lecture came from a good place of wanting to teach or communicate something you felt was important to your child. If you know the outcome did not teach what you had hoped and left you and your child feeling worse, the question is, what now?

With a shift in perspective, the timing and quality of your ‘lecture’ changes. It can be a well received message of what they are showing in THIS moment that is working rather than staying stuck in what wasn’t. Loving, nurturing, supportive parents need to know they are all that and more. Believing and trusting those great inner qualities can help channel our reactions (like lecturing) from that place rather than a place of worry or fear. In order to rely on them, you need to believe them.

Therefore, instead of a list of all the ‘mistakes’ you are making and the negative effects of those, I am switching focus.

Yes, we parents behave badly sometimes. This is a really hard job that I, for one, had no REAL idea of what I was getting into. We get stuck in patterns and we reach for techniques that are familiar (albeit ineffective). We say and do things that we wish we could take back. Furthermore, we often know better but mess up anyway with that little voice inside saying – ‘you know better!’

More importantly, for many parents, there are way more things that we do right.  In fact, one of the reasons we make mistakes is because we are investing so much.

I would love to see your greatness grow! Accept imperfections, forgive your mistakes and focus on all that makes you great. Give yourself what you wish to give your children.

To get you started, I will share some observations from the parents I know. None of them perfect but certainly all sharing some incredible and critical qualities.

7 great qualities that make us awesome!

• Tenacity – Even if it is ineffective or counterproductive, we do not give up easily. If we believe it to be right for our children, we will fight tooth and nail to get them to see it, to protect them, to help them succeed or to give them a chance at fulfilling their dreams.
• Forgiveness – This can be a hard one because sometimes, it can take a lot of work to get past things that deeply hurt, appall or offend us. From what I have seen, most of us do. We let go of the emotional attachment we have to our children’s transgressions and we figure out how to move forward in having a relationship with them.
• Love – I think all I need to say to this is that many never know their capacity to love until they have children. I didn’t. It is endless, boundless and unwavering. In fact, often, our ‘mistakes’ come from this place.
• Compassion/Empathy – Be it the broken heart of their child who has been hurt or wronged by another, the pit in our stomach when they are facing a challenge that feels so scary to them or that lump in our throat when they dig deep for their courage – when our children feel, so do we.
• Commitment – While at times I consider an e-Bay posting, whatever happens, we work through it. We all have times when we feel at the end of our ability to be patient or resourceful, to listen to another complaint, consider another question or do one more task. But we do. Somehow, we find it deep within ourselves to go that extra mile.
• Selfless – Think about the number of times you put your needs on the back burner. There is no judgement here around ‘should we’ or ‘shouldn’t we’.  In the real world, most of us strive for balance but when our children need us, we put it all aside and spring into action.
• Human – a.k.a. our emotional capacity. We all get angry, sad, excited, anxious etc. Why is this awesome? Because by being human, we model that it is OK to be human. Fundamentally, our children need to know that what they feel is so important and to learn how to deal with an incredibly diverse and sometimes confusing or overwhelming range of emotions. They need to see us have them. They also need to see us handle them in a healthy way but maybe that is a topic for a future article 🙂

I hope you reflect on how you are all of these things. It may be hard to access sometimes and these qualities may come out sideways on occasion (e.g. tenacity can lead to being close minded, love can be smothering, compassion can make us over protective etc.) but know that you are all this. Just feel, re-balance and choose the next step. You can give all of these a positive outlet. Take this to heart, add your own awesome-ness, focus on it and watch it grow!

The bottom line is this. We all have great qualities that give us amazing capabilities to do what is in line with our success. When we can trust and believe in these, they are the driving force behind how we make choices and respond.

Enjoy! You are doing great.

Marny Elliott is a Nurtured Heart Approach® (NHA) Trainer, Coach and Emotional Health Therapist. She empowers parents, educators etc. to use this effective, heart centered approach to transform behaviour, build relationships and grow the Inner Wealth® of children. In addition, she provides holistic counselling to adults seeking to address defeating patterns and improve their emotional health. Please visit www.joywithin.ca, email marny@joywithin.ca or call 250.218.8702.

 

In my last post, I explored the topic of self-esteem, or as I outlined, Inner Wealth™. This is a big focus for parents, guardians, educators, caregivers and treatment professionals alike.  When we understand that how we feel helps guide how we behave, we can intuitively get that we need to address the ‘inside’ – always. But what do we DO when faced with difficult behaviour?

Difficult behaviour is another thing about children that causes many of us to sprout gray hair. This is the part that can happen on the ‘outside’.

I am guessing you are similar to me in having an image come to mind right now.  An image of something your child did at some point that was embarrassing, annoying, infuriating, and maybe even rage inducing.  Yeah – not a highlight of my parenting journey either!

There was a study done that looked at the personality traits and behaviors of 12-year-old students to see what kind of professional success could be predicted 40 years later. The study wanted to go beyond looking at the socioeconomic status of the parents as well as the IQ of the child. You can read the full study here but one of the discoveries caught my attention. It found that defiance or “rule breaking” can be a predictor of higher income later in life.

So, what does this tell us really?  Should we encourage our children to break rules in order to pay for the mortgage on our beach house in our golden years?  Maybe when we give our children a limit and they respond with defiance that we tolerate the behavior?

Would you all agree the answer is (or pretty close to) – hell no? Most would also, probably, be on the same page in saying that these types of behaviours are hard to deal with and hard to experience. We have a whole host of buttons that get pushed when our children are not behaving in a way we would like.

I think what the study encourages us to do is take a different perspective on difficult behaviour. It encourages us to admit the moment we are in is rough but understand that maybe there is more to it.

I think that looking at perceptions can help.

• Our perception – how we choose to see a behaviour is completely within our control.

For many behaviours we consider to be ‘difficult’ – and that list can vary for everyone and even day by day – there is a flip side.  If we only look at what we can tolerate, we might not see what we can accept and even radically appreciate in another. Only a shift in our perception will allow us to see that side and help it grow.

When my daughter has a complete meltdown as we are trying to leave the house because her tights are too tight (really !?!?!  did the name not send a clue about how they would feel!) I can see this as embarrassing, controlling, manipulative etc. Perhaps I can also see it a powerful expression of her knowledge of what feels right to her.  Don’t I want her to have that capability? To feel free to express her greatness of staying clear and focused on what she believes to be right for her?

Well, I do, but I also want her to get her bloody tights on! What I really want is for my daughter to feel good about this quality, learn how to express it appropriately and not get the message that I feel she is controlling, manipulative etc.

Afterall, when we hear or FEEL something enough, we start to believe it.

• The other person’s perception – how someone chooses to behave (or react) is not necessarily a direct line to what they are reacting about.

How someone chooses to act is more a reflection of how they feel. What they feel is a combination of their experiences, perceptions and beliefs about who they are, their capabilites and what they need to do to cope. We may never know why someone behaves how they do. However, We CAN understand that how someone chooses to behave is not necessarily a direct reflection of who they are or what they are capable of.

Maybe the last time she wore tights, someone made a comment about them that my daughter had a negative connection to. Perhaps she is feeling out of sorts about other things. Possibly, she doesn’t like something else about them but does not have the ability to express that. It could even be something else that happened to her that was heart breaking and she can’t find the words to say it.

This goes beyond our children and spills over into all of our relationships – both personally and professionally.  When someone behaves in a way we don’t like, we often address the action at face value.

I think what this study does, is give us the evidence to motivate us to frame behaviour differently.

• What we think is ‘difficult behaviour’ might very well have a positive side that can serve our children well in the future.
• What is behind the behaviour is a person who might see the situation very differently

So, what do we do with the ‘difficult behaviour’? Do we tolerate it? Do we communicate that who they are is a problem?

It is human nature to want be more of whatever is celebrated in each of us.  We need the view that helps us see what there is to celebrate – even when (maybe even especially when) things are going bad.

Celebrate the good! What we focus on expands.

• appreciate it deeply when it is clearly there
• shift your perspective to find it when it is clearly in hiding
• take care of yourself so your heart and eyes can be open to the possibility of greatness

Instead of trying to change people which is utterly exhausting and futile, try reflecting what you really see. Use your power of perception to see the flip side of the behaviour. Access your capacity for compassion to see who (at their core) is behind the behavior. Then, instead of trying to control a challenging behaviour, try feeding the positive manifestation of it and the person who is capable of doing it.

See how you can shift your perspective!

Marny Elliott is a Nurtured Heart Approach® (NHA) Trainer, Coach and Emotional Health Therapist. She empowers parents, educators etc. to use this effective, heart centered approach to transform behaviour, build relationships and grow the Inner Wealth® of children. In addition, she provides holistic counselling to adults seeking to address defeating patterns and improve their emotional health. Please visit www.joywithin.ca, email marny@joywithin.ca or call 250.218.8702.

 

Reading an article about self-esteem, I got the impression that adults are focused on building up children’s self-esteem and this is a bad thing. It suggested that this practice is doing the opposite of raising a ‘good’ person.  With examples of criminals having higher self-esteem than non-criminals, he author adds that the ‘best’ person he knows had pretty awful parents. He wasn’t saying that we should totally ignore how our children feel about themselves but he did think what we are doing isn’t having the intended outcome.

I found myself offended and confused by the article. First, I tried to understand.

I don’t know what the author’s definition is of self-esteem.  Maybe it was hinging on people growing up with a feeling of superiority or power over others – maybe an over-inflated ego. I would agree that this is not the goal. The evidence of how adults feed this seemed to be around superficial or untrue praise as well as wanting to protect our children’s feelings.

Then I moved on to why I was offended in the first place.

At a high level, self-esteem usually refers to how a person feels about themselves. So, anyone who stands up and says we shouldn’t help our children feel good about themselves is off base. Also for me, I see that our intentions to do this can backfire if we are focused on cursory outcomes. We may be limiting ourselves feeling that self-esteem is the ultimate goal.

I am not a fan of fake or unfounded ‘cheer leading’ – I put this into the category of praise.  It does not feel authentic to give nor for most people to receive. Usually it is not

• heard because it is so common place
• understood because it is unclear what it relates to
• believed because it is different than how the person sees themselves
• retained because it is like junk food given in response to hunger

I think it comes from a place of wanting to help someone feel acknowledged and good about themselves which is great – but does it do what it is intended to do?

This brought me to a new level of appreciation for the term Inner Wealth®.  In the Nurtured Heart Approach®, the goal is to build just that.

Inner Wealth is ‘a term we use to describe the child’s inner knowledge of and acceptance of his or her own greatness’.

I think this differs from self-esteem. Dictionary.com defines self-esteem as “a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.” or “an inordinately or exaggeratedly favorable impression of oneself”.  Self-esteem feels like a broad feeling about ourselves. Inner Wealth® is a very specific and deep belief in our unique capabilities. This may help our overall self-esteem, but more directly, it assures us that we know we have something of value within us to offer the world.

We are capable just as we are.

As parents, we are impacted by our children’s experiences and how they react to them.  We feel their

• hurt when a friend rejects them
• upset when they fall short of a goa
• anger when they see their experience as unfair
• fear when they step into the unknown
• frustration, devastation (maybe even embarrassment) when they are the object of criticism, blame or shame etc.

We want to protect them from the feelings in life that we deem to be ‘bad’ and we do this from a genuine place.

Being part of the human experience, we need to help our children learn to feel what they feel AND be able to deal with it in a productive way.  This is a critical skill for being an emotionally healthy adult. The more we try to protect them from these feelings of life, the more we miss the opportunity to teach them the capacity they have to handle life’s ups and downs. We miss the opportunity to have them build the confidence to be themselves.

Imagine the shift if we did the following. Stand beside your child ‘every step of the way’ giving them deep clarity of where they go off track. Even better if we can do so with compassion, illuminating their own steps to get back on track with grace. Then reinforce what qualities they have with authentic connection. No junk food – just emotional nutrition.

“What makes your kids great is not what you GIVE TO them but what you PUT IN them.”

NHA gives us the knowledge and tools to

• leave the generalities and accolades for accomplishment behind and instead focus on the true recognition of experiences and qualities
• move past the hoopla toward heart connected, authentic communication in a way that ensures the child knows and accepts their unique abilities
• be empowered to have a positive effect on the inner beliefs that our children have of themselves at any age, stage or ability
• see ‘failures’ as opportunities to grow important skills rather than situations to blame, shame, protect or punish

Whatever word or term is used matters less than what we are actually trying to do for our children – raise them to have what they need to succeed in their life.

Start to focus more on the intention and the goal in mind. With tools to impact our children’s Inner Wealth®, we can provide profound and truly nourishing recognition. We can raise children who are strong and resilient in the face of all they will encounter in life.  

Marny Elliott is a Nurtured Heart Approach® (NHA) Trainer, Coach and Emotional Health Therapist. She empowers parents, educators etc. to use this effective, heart centered approach to transform behaviour, build relationships and grow the Inner Wealth® of children. In addition, she provides holistic counselling to adults seeking to address defeating patterns and improve their emotional health. Please visit www.joywithin.ca, email marny@joywithin.ca or call 250.218.8702.

Let’s face it, children can be challenging.

Those who raise or work with children have many resources to support them yet often feel frustrated that nothing seems to work. Instead of feeling less stress, more confident, more effective and a sense of setting children on a course for future success, they feel the opposite.

Many feel like the guidance intended to help is overwhelming, confusing, discouraging and even makes things worse.

So, I am often asked – what is different about the Nurtured Heart Approach® (NHA) and why did I choose it to practice both personally and professionally?

I can answer the second question quickly because, like many parenting experts, I feel it is important for adults to trust what feels right to them. The Nurtured Heart Approach felt right to me 🙂 It resonates with my own intuition and energizes me with the results I want for myself and my children. My ‘right fit’ is no longer an elusive goal.

Simply put, NHA gives people the ability to be who they always wanted to be.

More specifically, it has brought me to a new level of grace when things are challenging, influence when things are not and empowerment to access either. Rooted in authentic connection, relationship and choosing to focus on what is going right, it gives us the why, when, how and what to steer intense behaviour in a productive direction while building strong children from the inside. The result – empowered adults, connected families, classrooms and communities and children who believe in their unique qualities for lifelong success.

Parenting our children still has its challenges, after all, people are not meant to be perfect. But, with deep compassion for myself and my children, I feel more confident, patient, effective, empowered – and nurturing.

So, what makes the Nurtured Heart Approach® different? In the words of a client, ‘…it goes above, beyond and below anything else that is out there.’ 

Here are some commonalities between NHA and other philosophies around raising children.

• use encouragement, positive words and calm emotions
• have strong and supportive relationships
• clarity, consistency and boundaries are paramount to help children build trust and feel safe
• everyone wants and deserves to feel loved, to belong and to feel good about who they are
• adults have a tremendous amount of influence in what we model

Here are 5 things that make NHA unique and powerful.

1) The 3 Stands – beautifully clear, simple, accessible, applicable and effective.
♥ The same techniques are used regardless of age, ability, situation or goal. They can evolve with you and your children to always be your limitless ‘go to’ resource. Most importantly, they are easy to remember and return to if you get off track.

2) No energy to the negative – an incredibly enlightened concept.
♥ NHA moves moments of ‘negative behaviour’ from moments to punish, teach or ignore to moments where we can hijack the inappropriate to the appropriate. Many other practices have us inadvertently give energy to negativity (albeit subtle or intended to be kind, loving and compassionate) which keeps us sending the wrong messages. In some cases, they even hurt our children.

3) Energizing the positive – rich and simple tools allow endless creativity.
♥ NHA is WAY beyond praise and confidence boosters – no empty words or ‘good job’. It uses genuine, authentic and in the moment evidence to teach values, rules and the ‘how’ of self-regulation. All in the energy of truth, connection, love and compassion.
♥ NHA is heart-centred with the intention and goal of building Inner Wealth®. Therefore, it can have a profound influence of appreciation to the child. Most other teachings don’t reach that same level of “what this says about who you are.”

NHA helps empower adults to use our responses as well as proactive measures to create opportunities for success and inspire transformation.

4) “Behavior management” – NHA transforms rather than manages.
♥ Like many, it promotes problem-solving, autonomy, choosing solutions etc. in order to be successful. Unlike many, it goes deeper to instil the qualities that drive those skills. By looking at each child as a unique being with their own personalities, strengths and likes we find qualities that can be nurtured to become their greatness.
♥ Many conventional approaches are about the adult taking control because the child is ‘out of control’. What we really know is that we have little to no control over others. Furthermore, searching for the ‘perfect’ punishment feels futile and frustrating. NHA offers the critical yet under-utilized power of perception, timing (when we show up) and quality (how we show up) instead.

5) There is no ‘shame’ in not being ‘perfect’.
♥ NHA uses individual performance to teach rules and solutions while providing evidence of existing skills. It inspires individual greatness rather than expectations to measure up or reach for an artificial “ideal”.
♥ NHA teaches both parents and children how to know and acknowledge feelings. Once re-balanced, one can make a healthy choice of what to do with them and take the next steps forward.

NHA leads to beautiful outcomes for adults and children. It gives parents the ability to feel like they are making a difference rather than just doing what they have always done even if it doesn’t work. Most importantly, the intention is to be clear, consistent and compassionate in attaining the most important ingredient for success – Inner Wealth®.

The parents I meet, want to enjoy parenting the children they have. They want to feel confident that how they parent is effective. At the end of the day, they want to feel they have the ability to best help their children possess all they need to live a successful and fulfilling life

When you have the right philosophy and the right tools you can!

Marny Elliott is a Parent Coach and Relationship Counsellor. She empowers parents, educators and professionals to use the Nurtured Heart Approach®, an effective, heart centred method to transform behaviour, build relationships and grow the Inner Wealth® of children. In addition, she provides holistic counseling to adults seeking to address defeating patterns and improve their relationships with themselves and others. Please visit www.joywithin.ca, email marny@joywithin.ca or call 250.218.8702.